I think I figured it all out. I came to Italy to get my heart completely smashed in and set on fire. Oh god, I know how dramatic this is all sounding. Suddenly I've become all those people I hated. My past cynicism has come back to haunt me. Playing with people's hearts and treating them like shit is haunting me too. Damn, this feeling sucks.
The worst part is that I cannot disconnect myself from my source of misery. I rather take all the hurt to just have tiny moments of intimacy and happiness. How fucking pathetic. Who am I? I would be lying if I said that I've felt like this before. I am feel as if I can do anything when I am with him, all my walls just come down, my insecurities, my history, its all just layed out and it feels so fucking good.
But I am not special enough to break down his walls, not special enough to be someone special in his life, not special enough for him to want to take a chance with his feelings. Endless efforts of realizing that I am not the problem have been in vain. He will never feel for me what I feel for him, otherwise it would have already happened. I will not get prettier, or funnier, or smarter, all my best has been demonstrated.
I hope I look back at this one day, when I am with someone who reciprocates my feelings, and see that this was such a huge waste of unconditional love.
