"you are too good for this"

Guess what??

I think I figured it all out. I came to Italy to get my heart completely smashed in and set on fire. Oh god, I know how dramatic this is all sounding. Suddenly I've become all those people I hated. My past cynicism has come back to haunt me. Playing with people's hearts and treating them like shit is haunting me too. Damn, this feeling sucks.

The worst part is that I cannot disconnect myself from my source of misery. I rather take all the hurt to just have tiny moments of intimacy and happiness. How fucking pathetic. Who am I? I would be lying if I said that I've felt like this before. I am feel as if I can do anything when I am with him, all my walls just come down, my insecurities, my history, its all just layed out and it feels so fucking good.

But I am not special enough to break down his walls, not special enough to be someone special in his life, not special enough for him to want to take a chance with his feelings. Endless efforts of realizing that I am not the problem have been in vain. He will never feel for me what I feel for him, otherwise it would have already happened. I will not get prettier, or funnier, or smarter, all my best has been demonstrated.

I hope I look back at this one day, when I am with someone who reciprocates my feelings, and see that this was such a huge waste of unconditional love.

Time to find a new hobby.

So I think I have hit rock bottom with my drinking situation. Settle the fuck down I don't need AA and everything will be okay, I will still be me. I just won't be the girl that falls, or the girls that falls asleep in the shower fully dressed with the shower on, or the girl that falls into her apartment face first, or the girl who loses her wallet. Wow I am hyped to meet this girl.

Over the last months I have become even worse than usual with my "hobby". I drink to feel better about the situation especially when I am out because I need to let loose and people here are not so friendly. If I drink its easier to approach people and try to talk but once I'm shatfaced I can't even formulate logical sentences. So yeah, fuck that. I am too smart to waste it all on being an embarrassing drunk mess. I think I am ready to outgrow this crazy phase I've been cruising on for far too long. I have no self control in regular life add alcohol and I lose all logic, all intelligence, all inhibitions...everything gone.

So yeah, ciao you fucking drunk mess.

This

And all the gayness that comes with it.

Status : FOUND.

Weak end.

I feel some rambling about nothing will start.... NOW.

Okay so its Sunday and its raining and I don't hate it one bit. Other than having had to commute back to my apartment this morning after sleeping drunkeness away at Ellie's. I am sitting in the one spot in my whole apartment that gets internet and I feel that just one portrait of me sitting here can capture a lot of my life these days. Whoa, after typing this I can see how pathetic that sounds. ouch. But its not, I'm serious!

So how is life going? Welllllllll.....obviouslyyyyyyy....great. I cannot believe the holiday season is creeping and I will be here. I am no stranger to being away from family for the holidays but now I feel even more disconnected. I envision this Christmas to be filled a lot of food. Now that I have started cooking really great (?) meals I can see myself in the kitchen all day with a beautiful bedazzled apron and high heels slaving away making the most fabulous Christmas dinner. Unfortunately, those I love are not going to be here to enjoy this and my dinner so far consists of ONE. How sad. womp womp womp.

My feelings lately (omg how lame "feelings") have been a mess. I am fucking homesick. I cannot believe that this is a feeling I have as I have never been homesick before but I guess my due date for homesickness hit me right after 4 months of being away. I cannot imagine going back to Boston and living a normal life back there. I CANNOT. But for some seconds/minutes/hours of each day I think of myself walking down the streets I love so much and being alone and just walking aimlessly. It brings me much comfort to imagine myself in that "space" but it is not something I desire in reality. Does this make any sense? Oh well.

So work is great, fashion is great, the city is shit, the people are shit, the weather is shit. What is there to like about Milan? I don't even know. I wish there was a special charm but as of late I have not found it. I know I like my life here, it is a fabulous life indeed but its with no help of this city.

I never know how to end things

What the hell have I been up to?

I figure I will just go ahead and write all this shit in list form:

*Went to the beach in August, other than that I did a shitton of nothing other than lose weight.

*I met a crazy Finnish girl named Ellie midway through the month and subsequently had a bunch of crazy adventures.

*Milan was a ghost town for all of August.

*I have come to figure out that it is a woman's world out here.

*I've realized that there is a bunch of racism directed at Eastern europeans...womp womp womp this actually was pretty baffling for me learn.

*Tim Pearlman came to visit me while he was on his european escapades. It was so nice to see someone from home and I got to show him around.

*September brought on all those work opportunities that I had expected to have right off the bat.

*Working with a lot of children (teaching English) and it really brings me much joy in life to play, sing and dance with them.

*I have REALLY been missing my friends back home :(

*Many Spells of paranoia and loneliness. I have a hard time trusting anyone I meet especially in this particular city. People are very superficial and are always trying to get the best end of the deal.

*I have developed quite a routine with work, and I still have plenty of free time to do everything I want and to cook my own meals. Win all around!

*If I never did this before I deserve a gold medal for making the most out of all my articles of clothing and looking fly as fuck.

*John Joseph Nichols IV came back and is staying here in Milan. Something that brings much relief to me. So I do have someone to trust here!

*I miss intellectual conversations with people.

*People do not want to know me as a person. People want to know me as an American.

*Being American

*Feeling American

*Trying to not act so American.

*The situations repeat themselves over and over again. Same conversations, different faces.

*I have had to cut down on my black-out nights here seeing as they limit my experiences by not able to remember them. Only consolation I get is people telling me the next day "you looked like you were having fun". This isn't enough.

*Really missing the little things.

That's all I can say about now/ the past weeks.

I need to get myself more motivated to update, I just feel like everyday blends into another and next thing I know the weekend is here and I'm a wreck. I guess I do have a lot more to say but these things I want to say are going to be a recovering theme I am sure so I'm too lazy to start the thought process.

Doing what I want to do.

Yesterday my 22nd birthday. I had a lot of fun, went to a great BBQ and finally had some meat!! Ahhh it was perfect.

I had a very interesting realization yesterday, in front of complete strangers. This realization shook me so hard that I was on a natural high the rest of the day.

So it all started with me going to see a flat I might move into. I met the 2 other flatmates and they were so nice and welcoming. One of them asked me what I wanted to do in life. Suddenly, the earth froze and time stopped. I thought about it for what felt like 100 years and responded, "what I am doing now, discovering the world". I want to do this FOREVER AND EVER. This is what my true calling is (oh my god, I am so cliche). There is so much out there to see and I want to see it all. Is this being greedy? No it is not. I work when I have to and struggle, oh man do I struggle with money. I don't take hand outs, I refuse to ask for help and can count on one hand how many times I've asked for help with money. I make my own life, one day at a time. I do not know where I will be next week. I have a general idea, but why sit around trying to dissect it when there is still a today.

You know what's nuts? There is an order to everything. You graduate high school, go to college (if you are lucky travel a bit in this time), find a job, get married, have children, blah blah blah. Many people I know are/have gone through this outline of what life should be like. For a bit I thought this was my road to. It is "the right way' to do things. Part of me wishes I had been able to continue my studies, but more of me feels like everything has been an amazing ride I would never trade. I love everything I have learned just being out there exploring, meeting people and getting into situations that are so bizarre. I have had many different jobs and whether they have been rewarding or not, I am so proud of myself for having done them. College does not teach you how to treat people or how to interract with people, although for some it may help. I have met very educated people that don't know how to be courteous to their fellow human, some that are self-centered. Those who just wait for their turn to speak to give you some formula on how things are supposed to work and be. I dislike these people, although I still listen to them to either a) shoot their points down or b) to feel better about myself for not being that narrow minded.

This is not to say that I think an education is stupid, but I know for a fact it isn't everything. We interact with humans all day and to be able to discuss just basic life with someone that is so different from myself is a thrill for me. Not many people are capable of doing this. I can seriously find something to discuss with anyone in the whole world. Doesn't matter if we speak different languages, our interaction will be enough for us understand eachother as human beings. What a pleasant feeling. sigh.

I love my life. I love what I am doing with it. I feel such pride. I guess I am a very strong person. I meet people all the time here in Milan and they always ask me the same questions ( I tell my story at least 5 times a night when I go out). The questions are:

1) Are you on vacation? (answer: no)

2) How long will you be here for? (answer: I have no clue)

3) What do you plan on doing here? (answer: I am not sure)

4) Did you come alone? (answer: No, but.....long story)

5) Why Milan? (answer: I don't know)

ugh this can get bit exhausting. However, people are automatically so interested in me. So word on the street is no one ever just packs up their lives and relocates to another country with no plans, almost no money, and no interest in having a main direction. Crazy huh? Not so much for me. I think this is the most logical thing I have ever decided on. Why the fuck not just go for it? I refuse to take any problem (that does not involve food or shelter) too seriously, that would be a waste of time and we all have so little time on this Earth. I blinked, then I was 22 and then suddenly I get hangovers.

If I were on a mechanical bull right now I would say "turn it up". Even if there was a huge chance that I break my arm in three places, have to get surgery to install metal in my arm, and have to be out of work for a month. Money will come and go, and bills will always find you but goddamn it would be so bomb to be able to ride the shit out of that mechanical bull.

What? Is today, today?

The days seem to be flying by. I cannot even believe it. It has almost been one month since I headed to the airport and took off for good.

John left last Tuesday and will be back by the end of next month, and I miss him already. However, I feel really strong being able to stand on my own two feet in this city. I am glad that we got here together because I probably would have been in shambles (and possibly on my way back to Boston). But now I feel pretty settled, mentally stable, and excited to show him around the city when he comes back.

I feel so good being here. It may have something to do with being unemployed, meeting alot of cool people, drinking in public places (basilicas no less) or just the fact that I am eating a lot healthier here. I feel full of life and energy in a completely different way. I don't feel like I got shot in the ass and am slowly dying after each meal. I don't have to eat till I explode or till I have to take a nap to feel better.

Last night I decided that I will stop drinking alcohol. It is a complete waste of my time and even worse, money. The beer here is absolute garbage. GAHBAGE. Any beer, Peroni, Heineken, Corona, Carlsberg, seriously any beer you can think of. To top it all off the alcohol (vodka, gin, whiskey, whatever) is not as good as it is back home, and does not even give you a slight buzz. But you know what? Whatever. I don't need to be shattered to have a good time. The fact that brought me to the "no drinking" decision is that after a night of a couple drinks/beers here and there I wake up feeling like absolute death. There is no other way about it. You drink, you will not get a buzz/drunk but you will have a hangover comparable to Zach Galifinakis.

So I have a lot of opportunities lined up for me right now. A possible au pair job in Germany till November, work with an english teacher agency, and even just steady students now. 3 students a week but its a start off point and there's always room for more. The city is dead right now everyone is in the south vacationing till September, so at that time there's more possibility for more students. I will decide what opportunity is the best for me by mid-week and get started. I have not worked in what feels like forever, and to be quite honest I am not ready to start actually working. However, any job I find here won't be as physically demanding as any job I had at home, so it won't be THAT painful to roll back into the workforce.

I really love my new life in Milan. I miss my friends at home so much. I miss people that "get me". I send messages to all my loved ones everyday with quick updates and juicy stuff. It really helps me feel more "gotten".

My italian still sucks bigtime.

That is all.